Riddle me this, Riddle me that...

What follows is an excerpt from a letter to a good friend. I thought it to be blogworthy:

"I've actually been sick the last couple days with a sinus infection, and not much in the mood to be online or anything. Thankfully I think the worst of it is over now.

I really wish I had the energy to meet people and try new things that involved others. But just the thought of meeting new people and doing the whole "getting to know you" thing is exhausting. I've discovered that it's a rare occasion when I actually meet someone who sparks any type of interest in me. Lots of the sane people my age are married, have kids, and are therefore not on the same page as me; and a huge percentage of single people my age live dumbed-down lives - they bustle with activity, but it's moronic. So I'm either left to join the ranks of married people with kids, water down my intelligence and flay myself out in the meet-market, or hold fast as I am and hope against hope that I'll run into a kindred spirit sooner or later.

I've found a little fun in having my car. (I'm SO my father's daughter!) I've spent my time lately researching the kind of improvements that I can make to it, mostly performance improvements - it's so pretty looking as it is, there's no need to try to fix the looks. So that's been somewhat of a new thing to occupy my time and mental functions. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that the "new thing for me to try" (as has been suggested by a few friends) is something that's done alone. Most of the things I like to do don't really involve other people. I guess that's why I like being online so much. I have all these vast resources right at my fingertips...

And then a thought comes (and pardon me for majorly waxing philosophical)... What am I doing that's good in my life? Am I helping people? Am I just living for me? The answers to those questions are: a. Not much. b. Not really. c. Yeah, mostly. Maybe one of my huge problems is that I'm not much of a giver. I've been terminally selfish my entire life. I'm like Ebeneezer Scrooge - kinda living life on my own terms and only sharing with those people whom I deem "worth it". You know all those people who would give you the shirt off their back? Why are they always so happy? Are they just not tied to the things they possess? Do they give no thought to their own personal time (which I consider invaluable)?

And then another thought comes... Is my life like it is because I've made it this way? Should I point the finger at myself? Have I been the one driving myself to times of misery?

What if I gave of my time and belongings and money with no thought? What kind of person would I become? Would I go mad? Would it free me from whatever holds me down?

Do I control it all? Can I will myself to change? Or am I completely helpless and trapped?

All tough questions. And I ask myself things like that on a pretty regular basis. I'm restless in life...can you tell?? :) I want adventure! I want to be part of something bigger than me, and I want to be important - not a big-shot, but needed, helpful, desirable. And maybe that's why I spend my time alone mostly nowadays, because there seems to be no epic with a part written for me. Maybe it feels like life itself doesn't have any need for me. (Don't take that the wrong way... Even if I really thought that life didn't need me, I'd go on living for as long as I damn well could - just to spite it.) =) Haha...maybe I'm sulking. Maybe I want too much in life.

Ah well, enough of the philosophical shtuff for now. Tis a bottomless rabbithole, and I'm not in the mood for rabbits right now!

I think tonight I'll jump back on CoH. I've not been spending much time on SL lately. All my friends there (well, lots of them anyway) are "important people" - lucky me. But now they're off doing important things, and don't have much time for socializing, or losing interest in hanging with me. Maybe I bore them, who knows. I find that when I go there, no one's looking for me. I've spent hours there without one personal IM lately. (I actually joined an in-world group that helps noobies, which I've treated like a project. It's actually pretty fun to spread knowledge around, and I realize that I know a lot more than I thought I did.)"

...who's afraid of the big black bat?